Job Description for a Teacher

Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, illness while checking to see that all T -shirt messages and clothing fall within the established guidelines.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem.

I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, buy a car and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

Evenings and weekends I am supposed to plan lessons and homework for the next school day that will be so exciting and entertaining that my students will prefer school work to watching MTV or playing video games. Before I can do this however, I must grade homework, papers and other assignments.

I'm required by my contract to be working, on my own time, summer and evenings and at my own expense towards additional certification, advance certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status.

I am to collect data and maintain all records to support and document our building's progress in the selected state mandated program to "assess and upgrade educational excellence in the public schools..

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respect of authority.

I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current administration.

I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web sites for appropriateness while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each student.

I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions to those in authority.

I am to make sure ALL students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned.

I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter, and grade card.

I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute or less plan time, and a big smile on a starting salary that could qualify my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?

*(source unknown)